He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
