I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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