we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
