If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My orgasm happened in two different decades
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
