Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
