Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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