i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
