this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
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