Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
