Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
