sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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