did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
