We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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