i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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