why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
