rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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