I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
