i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
