walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
