i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
