i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
