I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
