My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
