The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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