I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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