I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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