If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
