I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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