The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
