I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I can't turn off my feet"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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