I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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