OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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