just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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