Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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