I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
