my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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