Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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