You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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