His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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