I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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