Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
