How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
