Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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