Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
