Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
