i already hear my dad disowning me
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
