According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
