There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
