but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
