wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
