I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
