I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
