what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
