theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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